Oversized Labia, mmm can be a problem.

hOWDY pARTNER!

Well I must say I have been nearly enjoying my stay in the US of A(holes), so many things to see and do. Personally I sometimes just like to chill out with my homies on Hollywood Boulevard or maybe fertilise some little rich girls, on one occaision I actually had a go on Beverley's hills.

Anyway I have some more sightings to share with you before I leave and return to the mother land. I have potentially landed a job managing the football team Kleftminster Simons so I must sprout forth to lead them to potential victory in the Western region of the Premier Legion in Dreffid upon Twonge. (which is eerily close to Wales)

Anyway here are some more strangeties.

Air Life

Superman (I think! or was it a bird? maybe a plane!)
The Grebe Buscemi
The Fly Me to the Moon Sinatra Seagull
Calvin the Albatross with an Orlando Plume
The Boulevard Limo Cruising Crack Craving Nob Cormorant
The Once Emmagrated John Craven Raven
Steven Seagull

Ground Life

The Generally Wrong Blinkerhorseman
Aerosmith's Steven Tyler
The OJ Simpson Cleaver Beaver
The Sharon Stone-Faced Golden Fisted Land Fish
The Robert Redford Rogue Relating Harbour Hunch Hamster
Roger Rabbit
The Tom Cruise Undersized Lip Gnu

Pond Life

Nemo The Minge Cavalier
The Buttered Ruskman Von Schwarzenegger
The Western Clint Eastwood Pondskimmer
The Upstream Eugine McQueen
The Lionel Ritchie Lillypad Leaper
Fish (from Marillion)
Toadfish
The Uma Thurman Eyed Halibut

That ought to keep you a gooin' for a while, I may be able to spy some more shit before I return, but if not, see you in Twonge.

Yours Foreverley Brothers

Juan (or as the yanks call me......Buddy?) yeah right!

Just The Juan You Wanted To See!

Believe it if you won't or even if you will, I am back and I am still alive!

This may please some of you and annoy others, but I don't really give a Steve as I have given up on trusting people. And by the way i've been looking from afar, one step ahead of the game trying to see what they were going to do next to re-capture me, and I have to say "Who the f$%k is M@X, he is no friend of mine, haven't a clue who he is but assume it was a pathetic attempt by one of them to lure you lot into giving them clues. God my sentances are long!

Anyway I managed to uberpower a guard and break free as they were transporting me from my cell, deep in a wooded area just north of West Mailmisermakinny. I knew that I had limited time before the quantity of guardsmen found me, so I decided that I only had one option. This was to head South. Literally in fact as I started digging a tunnel down from the clearing (Jasper), I was in at the time with no tools apart from my bare hands, a tooth from a Shark Jason I aquired when I was in Germany and a claw I found near the prison, which had obviously come from the third toe from the left on the right hand paw of a very mature Ardel O' Hamster.

I dug for what felt like 14 weeks but as it turned out, it was only about 13 weeks and 5 days. I then decided that I should be far enough from any trouble, so I started to dig to the surface. After a few hours, I finally broke through the topsoil to be greeted by beautiful sunshine. I remember remarking to myself about it. I put my head up had a good look around and I was delighted, if not a little surprised to find myself right between the L and the Y of the Hollywood sign on the side of Mount Lee in the Hollywood Hills.

This of course pleased me more than usual, so I thought as I was fairly safe I would take the opportunity to check out some local species, as this was an area I had never imagined visiting as I don't favour Americans.

Well I hunted high and low and occaisionally at a partial height and found some beasts I had only ever seen pictures of in "A-list Shit" gazette. Here is what I saw in the Beverley Hills area. mmm

Ground Life

The Partially Glazed Tom Hanks Hamster
A Raging Bull called Nathan
The Silverscreen Bison with a Goldie Horn
Mr Ed
The Creosoted Des O'Conner Smile Horse

Air Life

The Owl Pacino
The Flying Pickett
The Floating Nigel Hawthorn
The Homeless Lynx Cat with Jude Law's Head
The Lights, Camera, Action Llama called Stacey

Aquatic Beings

The Robert De Nemo
The Skate Winslet
The Michael Jackson Playgroup Munching Sword Fish McSlutbucket
Prince's Flaked Tuna
Daryl Hannah

This is just a taster of things I sawd within seconds of arriving so I will stay a while and spy more to deliver to your door, I shall be in touch very soon people, Juan is alive and he is in the land of dreams! Well America anyway.

Farewell you bunch of queer Simons

Hi There, It's M@x again.

Again I must apologise for my lack of contact with you all. I'm sure you are all very curious to know what the hell has been happening.

Sadly, I still don't know where Juan is, when I last left a message I thought I had found some vital clues but unfortunatly they led to nothing. The piece of paper I found under the bench turned out to be a poem the Juan was in the process of writing. It hinted at the pain and anger he was suffering, but also the fight he has in his soul. I can fully imagine him escaping from their clutches and hiding away somewhere, but we have no idea after this amount of time, even if he is still alive whether we would hear from him again in case his whereabouts was discovered.

I would have various ideas of where he would run to if he escaped, but me looking for him may lead them back to him so for Juan's sake, I feel that I must accept that I may never hear from him again.

Anyway writing this is difficult for me so I will publish below, the unfinished poem for you all to read. An ode to our friend, wherever he is, Juan Weatherby........


How quickly can a man's life change, normal life, turning strange
Why people have an urge to kill, Stranraer 1, Brechin 0
Colditz shafts my daily bread, wholegrain baps, loaves of lead
Concrete floors my buttocks touch, wooden benches scrape my crutch

Once I spied a flugle shaft, drifting far on wooden raft
Captured, tortured how they laughed, lying there in steel bath
Life was mine until twas stole, mountain peak now dingy hole
Spying creatures pleased me so, others gained from what I told

Anger, Bangor, Delhi, Minsk, Kleft so foreign noble spink
Fortune favours all but me, hopeless town of rubble scree
Can I, Will I, May I leave, not a chance but must believe
Breaded cod I know called Steve, now is not the time to grieve

Yearn to see another bream, they won't stop me chasing dreams
I must fight.......................

And that is where it ends i'm afraid, you can feel his pain. We must all keep praying that we may hear from him again and really mean it from the Kleft.

So long, I will be back again soon, hopefully with more positive news.

Till then

M@x

Here We Are Von Wassaling!

I have been a travelling forth again, but I have diverted from wence I spoke of to you on the past tense. As you know I was preparing to travel to Johnson a seekin', but I decides to change my path and head for Europe, this time through Holland and into Germany.

You may ask y, mayn't you. It's like this. My collegue in weird seek is one very Ace McGraw, whom is currently in Canadia spending much time luring beasts, as well as many other things. You may be keen to know that it was he who the Wild Dog McGraw, often found in Upper and Lower Stifel, and maybe occaisionaly in Johnson and Bieft, was named after. It was lonely and needed a name so I aptly named it after Ace, as it was the most laidback friendly animal you could meet, but you would be a fool to mess on it, or indeed with it.

Anyway back ont rack, I was getting jealous as he has been sending photos of alpine scenes and snow, so I thought I would travel to the Rhineland though the Black forest and Holland, ending up in the mountains. I have always been interested in the strange creatures that there dwell, but I could never go until the ban was lifted. Long Storage.

This collection, was spotted between Breda and Leiderdorp (Holland) in a small clearing called Keith.

Van Air Life

The Two Crested Fist Grebe
The Edam Glazed Shite Hawk
The Jet Propelled Cliff Jagermeister

Van Ground Life

The Four Clogged Horse Van Vargsmun
The Whatsitdoinginholland Butlins Holiday Hound
The Polecat with an Old Hat

Van Water Life

The Wet Van Der Vole
The Sunday Times Glazed Weed Chewing Syrup Stickleback
The Red Gullit Mullet

Then through to Alpine Germany I went.

Von Air Lives

The General Von Klinkerharrier
The Adolf Muntermuff Spray Gull
Die Large Eyed Custard Rubbing Buzzard
The Great Crested Stiff Klinsman
The Munich Rummen Raven

Das Grund Life

The Public Toilet Cottaging Three Tadgered Badger
The Hans Horseman Mouse
Das Unterschlaft Leaf Cleaner Racoon
The Wie Komme ich am Besten zum Bahnhof Squirrel
The Krooked Gerbil

Die Aquatic Kreatures

The Eine Kleine Feegle Foogle Ostafeckina Beegle Boogle Eine Kleine Feegle Foogle Bass
The Shark Jason from Stuttgart
The Mit Sahne Water Llama
Die Schleissen Heist Hake
The Floating Oak Smoked Mackeral Fillet Beckenbauer

Believe it or nicht there was more, but I didn't want to bore you too much, I may reveal them one day if they will let me, they sometimes don't, they who............. they who................ oh my god they've found me, I can't believe it, I.........I...........thought I was safe, there isn't much time, I hope to see you again maybe one day, oh no they are h.................................................................

Happy New Year Worlds, It's That Time AgAIN!

I have appeared again in a cyber fashion to greet you all, wish you all a happy new one and once again demonstrate how f****d up my little brains are mmm.

My eyes have been seeking again and once more I have brought home the goods. I now have an associate in Canada looking for breeds native to that area. I can no longer enter Canada as I was deemed inappropriate for the local culture.

Anyway I'm not bitter, here are some more things I have spotted over the last few weeks whilst crawling through the forests and streams of East Scrotum.

Air Life

The Norman Cormorant
The Bird with 4 legs, fur and a tail that looks like a dog
The Siamese Tweaked Buckswangler
The Flying Pickett with Rickets
The Glen Cockerill
The Suburban Leather Clad Bugger Biker Warbler

Ground Life

The Rude VanNistel Rat
The Grease Furred Grunt F***er
The Insecure Gabbling Spoon Rabbit
The Tony the Tiger Gerbil
The Fork-Toothed Sewer Scavenging Bear
The Paint on an Easel Weasel

Aquatic Stuffs

The Harry Fishner
The Goose that's Loose Aboot the Hoose
The Drenched One-Eared Tench called Keith
The Tribal Loke Finsman McTavish
The 8 Gilled Slime Talisman
The Freshwater Susan


That's about it for the moment. I can't always be found spotting creatures, I have got work to do you know. I will probably be visiting you before too long. You know who you is. I have access to your mind and feet funnily enough.

I will however be back in a few weeks after my brief planned trip, where I hope to be swimming with one arm and the opposite leg, upstream in the village of Johnson.

Peace out to all my peeps n dat.

Im always near you.

Juannnnnns

BON F*****G JOUR!

Avez-vous un clef, pour les chambres?

Yes you might have guessed me. I have been over to the other side, France to be more pc about it. Getting a bit disillusioned with our fair country's non human life forms, I decided to do what all French may enjoy and F*** off to France to see what I could spys with my eye. (sorry about the frequent f-ing, its just not me, just like turquoise gloves.

Anyway shut it Juan and tell the good humans wassup. As I was more than slightly nervous about cycling on the wrong side of the road, I decided to play it safe and canoe my way just east of 'Le Havre' to the vineyards and forest pathing of 'boit de poisson'. Here is what I seen. I had to leave out the latin names as my getaway was sharp after nearly being slayed by a garcon with an axe.

Air Things

(The all to comman in those parts) Ee hor ee hor ee hawk
The Lubed up Toucan
The China Crisis Chaffinch
Le Port de la Merde Monkey Pelican
The Cantona-eared Tit Finch
The Donnie Wahlbird

Ground beings

The Orville walking bird
The 'Dog with a Lisp' Cat
The Gerbil-faced dirt Shark
The rummaging No Entry Wank Weasel
The One legged Circular Goat
The Pig with a Fig in it's Rig

Aquatic stuff

The Slippery disoriented Hungarian Fish
The Bream of Dreams
The Shorn Pollock
The Cod that possibly looks like God
The Champagne Poo Seal
The Tinned Tuna
The Cabernet Sauvignon Tea Time Tossing Turtle

At this point I fled the country as I was caught trying to put a 'De Gaulle knobcloth beetle' into my satchel.

I may return one year!

Please research your beasts around you, or I will find you, I have all your addresses.

Happy Tea times!

Le Juan.x